you lose 100 hairs a day – stop the madness! need a low-interest home mortgage? of course you do! c’mon guys, women agree – Size DOES Matter! So GO BIG Now!!!


you hate it. i hate it. everyone hates it. i bet the people who do it even hate it.

and yet there it is. sullying the Inboxes of the world, clogging the networks, raining down like anti-manna from heaven. every day, the rain just gets heavier and heavier. our email addresses propagate like rabbits (or maybe pigeons), spreading from one junk marketing agency to the next, and the spam is soon to follow.

they have no shame. they will never stop. they will play on your physical and financial insecurities. they will ignore your gender (what, you’re a woman? hey, you need a big penis, too!). opt out? nice try – those ‘remove me from your f*ing email list’ links never seem to work, do they? want to call someone in customer service to complain? riiiiiiight.
a recent favorite was the email spam for a new herbal penis enlargement medication – it guarantees that your John Thomas (and your parnter’s satisfaction) will grow by at least 27% within 30 days (or your money back, of course). they lose money on every sale if your trouser snake doesn’t turn into an Anaconda!!!

i went to the site. i wanted to see who was selling this stuff, and what their pitch was. it had to be better than the email, right? bzzzzt. about 5 minutes after clicking the email link, the page loads, and you’re faced with a header the size of Montana that says:

maybe it’s just me, but anyone who claims that something is no gimmick, and is based on real science, immediately proves the opposite. the picture of the geeky white guy in the lab coat, rubber gloves, and glasses, sitting intently at his computer? that didn’t assuage my concerns one bit. i mean, the guy wasn’t even wearing the right kind of safety goggles. really – if you’re making stuff that causes penises to virtually explode to new dimensions, you’d be wearing the best safety goggles known to mankind, right?

the thing that really twists my noodle is that these things are obviously scams. it’s not as if there’s some sophisticated, charismatic huckster trying to woo you with silky promises. there’s no mob psychology at work here, either. you can’t really tell whether the guy next door is buying the penis enlarger stuff.

laws can’t stop it. technology can sort of stop it, but only if you’re on a PC, or if you don’t mind sending your email through someone else’s servers before it gets to you. it seems like the spammers are winning this battle, and there’s no end in sight.

which reminds me, i got this email from a guy in Nigeria who’s a former diplomat trying to flee oppression – all he has to do is transfer $435 million out of his bank account and into a nice, safe US account to make it happen. i don’t think i can put that much money in my wells fargo account without raising an eyebrow or two – anybody want to help? it sounds legit.

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One thought on “GO BIG Now!

  1. HAL

    since i’m so in love with my norman, i haven’t yet checked out any of the chub science mail i receive. recently, however, i decided to respond to a get-rich-quick scheme involving some nebulous work-from-home methodology. know what pissed me off? they didn’t write back! i’ve been snubbed by spammers. if that’s not a new low, i don’t know what is. furthermore, why is it that when i write to the honorable nancy pelosi, my spam count (!) increases by an order of magnitude?

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